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Horoscope April 6th-13th

  • Caroline Durkin
  • Apr 1, 2015
  • 2 min read

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Aries: Your spontaneity has had more than its fair share of consequences, but it’s almost always served you well. Follow that same openness of spirit and you may find yourself susceptible to cults and extremist ideologies. What a kooky adventure!

Taurus: Though often misjudged for your stubbornness, deep down you possess a loving, sympathetic heart. Of course you also have a jealous heart, a young heart, an old heart, and that weird blue-ish thing you think is a heart, but honestly can never be too sure about. Spend less time in your basement full of pickled, human hearts and get some fresh air this week, Taurus!

Gemini: Listen to your heart today, Gemini, not the disembodied voice of your twin you ate in the womb.

Cancer: This may be a rough week for you, Cancer, and we both know how you deal with your emotions. You will cry so much, you will drown in your own tears. Literally. That is not an exaggeration. Prepare yourself mentally for death by drowning.

Leo: Not everyone will be ready to hear all your opinions today, Leo. So forcefully shove it down their throats instead!

Virgo: *playful laugh* oh you. You’re going straight to hell.

Libra: You will make a pun. No one will laugh. You will convince yourself it’s because they are not on your level. That is not the reason.

Scorpio: Toss up between meeting a new, spicy, love interest or finally completing your descent into the very bowels of Hell. Either way, Scorpio, you’re sure in for a fun ride.

Sagittarius: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID YOU SON OF A [EXPLETIVE]

Capricorn: You beautiful, tropical, snowfish, not everyone will shine as bright as you today, but then again, do they ever?

Aquarius: You could have a beautiful adventure ahead of you, Aquarius, full of love, and passion, protest, running through fields, skinny dipping at midnight, live concerts, fireworks, and even stunt doubles. Or you could just rewatch Friends again, I don’t really know; this isn’t an exact science.

Pisces: You’re actually gonna do ok today. Go you.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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