The Sackler Controversy is Taking Too Long to Settle-- Fuck it, Knock it Down!

Worcester-- In recent years, Massachusetts’ worsening opioid epidemic has drawn criticism for its many implications. From the presence of the War on Drugs to influence from pharmaceutical companies on the crisis, there seems to be no participating party who has escaped criticism. The Sackler family have found themselves in hot water over the opioid crisis, as the philanthropic family runs pharmaceutical giant Purdue and also owns the patent for OxycontinⓇ, the narcotic that has had a major role in the expansion of the opioid epidemic.

This controversy has pierced the Clark bubble, as the Sackler Science Center is the namesake of the Sackler family. There have been recent attempts from activist groups at Clark to rename the building, citing the family’s toxic legacy in Massachusetts. Most of these petitions and proposals have fallen dead in the water. However, a surprise statement from the President’s Office has provided a meaningful compromise for all parties involved in the Sackler-naming controversy.

In the statement, Clark president David Angel proclaims:

“The Sackler controversy is taking way too long to settle down. It’s really getting on my nerves, so fuck it! We’re gonna knock that whole damn building down, bitch!”

The Freudian Slip was unable to get a statement from President Angel for political reasons, so Editor-in-Chief Paul Dante Frissora went on an undercover operation to try and gleam more information about Sackler being “knocked down”.

Posing as the wealthy, long lost son of the Sackler family, Ball Sackler, Frissora was able to find some important details about the proposed demolition.

“Yeah this whole controversy is screwing with Clark’s vibes, my dude,” President Angel confided off the record. “I’m getting tired of everyone screaming in my face stuff like ‘Hey David, rename that building’, or ‘President Angel, as your doctor, you’re stressing out over this. Maybe a prescription of OxycontinⓇ would help’. So fuck it! I’m not doing anything that people are telling me to do. I’m knocking that bitch down and your family can’t stop me.”

The proposal to knock down Sackler lacks some important details however, for instance, there is no mention of what will replace the building. Different groups across campus are vying for their own interests in this building. The Freudian Slip has proposed building a massive printing press in the rubble so the journalists can print out some big-ass newspapers, so big that people don’t have a choice but to read them. Official school representatives have instead chosen to propose a new science building to construct on the old spot, which would be named the Andrew Wakefield Science center. The Classics Department at Clark proposed something completely different: a King Minos style labyrinth, as “it would be a whole lot easier finding classrooms inside a labyrinth than inside the current Sackler Center.”

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