Satire Publication With Staff of Seven Deemed Important Enough to Hack
- Freudian Slip Staff
- Feb 14, 2018
- 3 min read
The Freudian Slip is honored to announce that after years of irrelevance, obscurity, and desperately trying to ruffle some feathers, we have finally garnered the esteemed attention of a mystery hacker.
While not only providing valuable insights and critiques to our ideas, they also took the time to vastly improve our own Twitter account:
For those who are curious, that link (which we do not recommend visiting) shows a video of a man engaging in sexual intercourse with a creature who he should NOT be doing that with. Just so we’re clear, the Freudian Slip DOES NOT promote, encourage, endorse, approve, or condone ANY form of beastiality.
Regardless, this mysterious event is still shrouded in anonymity. The Freudian Slip’s Investigative Unit has compiled a list of possible suspects who had enough time and motivation to change our passwords, hack our Twitter, and pass judgement on every headline on our Assignment Board. Here are the top suspects:
David Angel
David Angel (Human Form)
Our fearless leader may not always agree with our hot takes, such as the VERY accurate account that he was born of an egg. This, combined with the cold blooded censorship attempts on our beloved publication, puts him at the top of our suspect list. In addition to motives, he also has the means: He runs Clark University, which has an IT department.
Trash Baby: King of the Can
Trash Baby, King of the Can, in a happier time
What could be more heartbreaking than losing in the final round of the Squirrel Playoffs? He had made it so far. He had already enrolled his babies in Private Tree School. He was at the top of his world. But the upset he faced against Mr. Cone is enough to turn even the most innocent squirrel into a super-villain. Spurned by the students who had given him so many Bistro fries, he blamed one historic institution: The Freudian Slip.
Canada
Our 'harmless' neighbor to the north isn't as nice and syrupy as they would lead us to believe. The motive is simple: Canada is a communist country. They want to impose a number of commie policies onto this amazing tract of land called the United States of America. Socialized Healthcare. Socialized Beavers. Socialized Education. Socialized Lumberjacks, Mounties, and Hockey Players. Most importantly, they want to attack our amazingly privatized Satire. And what better way to launch an attack than to target a satire publication from a school of 3000 with 785 likes on Facebook? We're on to you, Justin Trudeau.
The Country of Canada
The Scarlet
Jerks!
A prank gone wrong? A malicious attack on their one and only competitor? These monopolistic, robber baron-esque moguls would totally do that. Evidence? We don't need any. We know they did it because T H E Y ' R E E V I L. Additionally, our spy on the inside has totally confirmed it.
Paul
Paul was afraid his dictatorial rule over the Freudian Slip would end, so he took matters into his own hands. Furthermore, according to his middle school records he has a history of pranks and tomfoolery. He is a Grade A Class Clown, repeat: Grade A Class Clown. It was a gig from the inside. Can't say we didn't see this coming. He wears jean on jean-- not to be trusted.
A handsome boy who is NOT a dictator I swear
The Ghost of Emily Denny
She haunts our meetings. She lives among us, and inside of us-- in our hearts. Since she is dead to us because she died (graduated), she has no accountability for her actions. She's a ghost, so we can't sue her for these infractions. But we CAN blame her! Ghosts are very well known for being pranksters. This hack is just a 21st century twist on rattling chains and knocking over glasses. Thinking she would never be a suspect, she made one (1) fatal mistake: We found one (1) strand of her hair on a (a) computer keyboard in Jonas Clark. A Ghost, Apparently did NOT RIP in Peace
With such a daunting question at foot, of who hacked us, we need your help! Yes, you, the Loyal Slipper! Who do YOU think committed the crime, and should do the time? Send in your votes in the next 30 seconds to receive a $10 Amazon gift card that we stole from a Psych study.
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