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English Professor Accused of Being A Really Nice Guy

  • Alex Polinsky
  • Apr 1, 2019
  • 2 min read

James P. Farnsworth was accused on April 2nd of being genuinely caring and thoughtful. The accuser, English major Richard Wright (‘21), had this to say: “Professor Farnsworth met with me for Office Hours last week. He was like, so nice to me. I didn’t get my thirty-page mid-semester analysis on “Moby Dick” started...because I was like, crying a lot.”

Mr. Wright elaborated, saying, “I’m like, a really sensitive guy. I can’t believe how nice Professor Farnsworth was to me. He gave me another semester to write my paper.”

Other students have come forward with similar stories. Junior Rachel Clark said,

“Professor Farnsworth held a door open for me. For like, thirty seconds. I was like a hundred yards away and he just kept holding the door, waiting with his frail old man arms. What a nice dude.”

“The James-ster” (as some students have called him) can be seen around campus wearing hand-knit sweaters from his lovely wife, Janice Farnsworth.

“Call me Jim” said Professor Farnsworth when asked to interview for this story. Upon entering his office, which was decorated with pictures of his loving family and two dogs named Charlie and Fido, Professor Farnsworth said, “Here are some cookies that my wife made. No really, have some, it’s no trouble, Janice loves her baking.”

Reports have confirmed that the cookies were delicious, containing sugar and spice and everything nice. Other reports have confirmed that the cookies are tasty and warm, and are sometimes available outside of dorms. People have been suspicious of Professor Farnsworth for a long time. “I always knew he was a professor, but I never knew he was my professor,” said Mr. Wright. “He’s always been there for me…” Mr. Wright continued, sniffling and wiping away a stray tear. “I would give that man my kidney. Both kidneys.”

As of the writing of this story, Professor Farnsworth is set to have surgery for the 23 kidneys that have been donated to him. “I don’t want to let anyone down, especially my amazing and hard working students.”

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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