In Final Act as President, David Angel Releases His Pet Locusts onto Clark University

*Live Report at 6:00 a.m.*

6:13 a.m. Strange noises coming from Jonas Clark, students advised by Jack Foley to ignore.

11:32 a.m. Tremors felt across campus, Foley not available to leave a comment

5:24 p.m. Millions of Locusts seen flying out of Jonas Clark

5:30 p.m. DEAR GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!!!! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!!! IT’S THE SECOND COMING RUN RUNNNNNN

*Feed Lost at 5:45 p.m.*

This Sunday at 5:24 p.m., President David Angel was seen throwing open the windows of Jonas Clark Hall and releasing the brood of locusts that he has been raising for the past nine years.

“Finally, my children will be able to feed and sustain life on this barren land,” screamed Angel with arms outstretched towards the black sky.

Millions of locusts poured out of the clock on the building’s face, sending bystanders into a frenzied panic. Clark students were suddenly swamped by the overwhelming death cloud that enveloped the campus in darkness: “The sun is gone, the sun is gone!” lamented student Sara Judkins (‘22), who moments later was carried off by hundreds of Angel’s locust babies. Like the plague of Egypt, David Angel sits aloof atop Jonas Clark like a lizard god-pharaoh, tending to his flock. “Well, at least: we can get our funding back!” laughed Editor-in-Chief Paul Dante Frissora before disappearing into the cloud with what seemed to be money looted from The Bistro’s cash register. Just another lazy Sunday at Clark University.

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