Man Passive-Aggressively wipes down Leg Press

This weekend, a varsity baseball player was burdened with the task of wiping down the leg press after a student failed to do so. The athlete was heard whispering to himself, “my delts are too sore for this shit.”

The student was in the middle of his daily, full-body workout when it was abruptly interrupted by foreign perspiration. The athlete, who identified himself as Fabio, said, “It is incredibly important to me that my breaks between sets are exactly 45 seconds long, but now my break was lengthened to 92 seconds long.” Fabio worries that this setback will hinder him in the upcoming season.

“Coach always told me to give it 110 percent,” stated Fabio. “Now that I wasted an extra 47 seconds, I’m definitely giving only 108 percent, at most.” Head Baseball Coach Jason Falcon stated that these distractions are unacceptable and detrimental to the University’s reputation. “Clark and its entire student body are unbelievably proud of their athletic program. However, despite what some may think, we have a lot of room for improvement.”

Falcon believes that if we eliminate this problem, which he calls “Persperate-gate,” baseball and all other teams would only lose a quarter of its games. When asked to disclose what the current win-loss ratio was, Falcon declined to comment.

#Sports