Clark Ambassador Admits Socialist Connotations of Red Square

On April 5th, Clark Ambassador Jack Ianson (‘16) stated during a tour, “This is Red Square and it is exactly what it sounds like,” which resulted in an uproar in the admissions office.

Ianson was bringing a tour group of disgruntled high schoolers and nosy parents to the center of campus, Red Square. Rather than explaining that the square is not intended to emulate the location in Moscow of the same name, Ianson let out the biggest secret of the Clark student body.

During the tour Ianson commented, “I mean, come on, this is Clark.”

As every student learns during Week One, Clark University is a training ground for Marxist revolutionaries. The administration doesn’t advertise its student’s intent on smashing the capitalist establishment, for fear of losing federal grants.

Vice President Jack Foley told The Freudian Slip, “Because of Facebook, Twitter, and Wingdingz, Clark’s shame has been broadcast across the blogosphere and it is incredibly foreboding.”

Although every student is aware that Red Square is the hub for social justice demonstrations, solidarity vigils, and the farmer’s market, it has been a policy of Admissions to downplay the Lenin brown nosing that permeates all 50 acres of Clark’s campus.

The Dean of Students has placed Ianson under disciplinary probation for violating the campus policy known as “Snitches get Stiches”. His hearing will be on April 11th in the newly discovered “Razzo Hall”.

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