Local Man Burns Girlfriend’s’ Clothes As Birthday Present, Blames Consumerism

Jeremy Gordon (‘18) was arrested last night, April 5th, for burning all his girlfriend’s clothes. In response to his arrest, he released the following statement on his Facebook account: “Nothing I do is good enough, apparently.” Initial investigation suggests that the reason behind this extreme act is confusion as to what his girlfriend, Sarah Nolen, wanted for her birthday.

“It all started on Valentine’s day” Gordon told The Freudian Slip, “We’ve been dating since Week One, so I thought it’d be nice to get her something to celebrate our exclusive doin’ it. I got her a teddy bear, flowers, and chocolate. When she saw what I got for her she started to cry, which I assumed was good, but I was wrong.”

This is where the confusion began, according to Gordon. Nolen interpreted her boyfriends' gifts as an effort to drag her into the consumerist culture that feeds off of the genuine values Valentine’s Day represents.

“After she yelled at me for being part of the problem, I decided to do what mass media has taught me will always win a girl’s heart: I promised her I could change.”

“So for her birthday, I thought to myself, what is the opposite of consumerism? And that’s when I figured that burning her belongings would definitely make her happy. Once again, I seem to have misinterpreted the situation.”

Gordon is currently waiting for his parents to pay his bail so he can attend the weekly Clark Socialists meeting. Gordon is positive that his involvement will show Sarah his heart is in the right place.

#Local