Horoscopes 4/13 - 4/20 (Smoke Up, Johnny)

Aries: People always warn against letting your hot temper control you. But who cares what they say. Give in to your temper until you are no longer trapped by your corporeal form and are engulfed by the tumultuous flames of your true self. They are no match for you now.

Taurus: Some people call you hard-headed, and you just smile and nod along. They can never know. If word got out how soft your skull truly is, they would begin to ask questions. Why didn’t your skull fully form as an infant? Why do you wear that giant hat all the time? And why do you siphon food through a tube in said hat? The world can never know. Never know.

Gemini: You are known for your adaptability, Gemini. Which is why one night this week you will be taken from your bed, blindfolded, put on a helicopter and thrown into a wild tundra and expected to survive with no tools but a butter knife, the clothes on your back, and your own, supposedly flexible, will. Let’s see how well you adapt now, Gemini.

Cancer: People call you sensitive, and you have no idea why. How could they say that? Don’t they know it really hurts your feelings to be so falsely accused of such a thing? What a thoughtless thing to do. You, sensitive: that’s ridiculous. For example, this week you will see one of those Sarah Mclachlan animal shelter commercials and only cry for thirty-seven minutes. Would a sensitive person do that?

Leo: Dig down deep and find your lion’s courage, Leo. And while you’re at it, you should probably figure out where you left that lion. There have been reports of maimings that you might want to look into...

Virgo: Nothing that special’s going to happen to you this week, Virgo. Sure, everyone hates you, small children harass you on the street, and all animals run from you in fear, but that’s like, pretty normal, right?

Libra: Oh my God, Libra, NO ONE CARES. JUST STOP TALKING. Please, we are all tired. So tired.

Scorpio: I don’t know even know anymore man; did you really expect to get away with that? I mean honestly, just bring the alligator back, take off the fuchsia jumpsuit, and stop doing that to your feet, it’s just weird. Quit trying to overachieve and go back to your day job to await the sweet release of death like the rest of us.

Sagittarius: You low-life, disgusting, used cotton swab. You are sickening. That is not hyperbole, you physically make people sick. Please, do every living person a service and stay inside, you venomous, foul, literal embodiment of a hangnail.

Capricorn: Precious, naive, glowing sunbeam of a child; keep being you. That’s the best gift you can give the rest of us degenerates.

Aquarius: Go, live your dream of being a mermaid! Sure it will only last until your breath gives out, your limbs grow heavy, and the ocean is filled with your silent, desperate screams. But before you slip into eternal, aquatic sleep, it sure will be fun!

Pisces: I would say everything’s going to be fine, but nothing has ever been fine. Not since… the storm.

#Horoscope