Joanne Darrigo adds 12 more email-deleting students to Hit List

At around noon this past Monday, Joanne Darrigo gravely added twelve names to to her very long personal hit list, for deleting her “What’s Happening This Week” email without reading it. “What I do for these people is so generous,” she said, “and how do they repay me? By unthinkingly grouping my emails up with the mindless LEEP Center and Chegg updates and deleting them without a second thought? I’ll show them!”

Blinded by her fury, Darrigo sent personalized emails to each offending student containing the locations and times of each event that she thinks that they would enjoy the most, such as “Empty trash cans Tuesday,” and added their names to the contact lists of every club on campus as well. “This is just the beginning for these people though,” fumed Darrigo, “if these emails get deleted too there is much worse in store for them.”

When asked for her plan of action, Darrigo revealed a string of increasingly troubling methods to dispose of the under-informed students, culminating with the devious scheme stuff the mailboxes of the delinquent students with passive-aggressive post-it notes with cats on them. She did, however, find a striking correlation between the email offenders and people who don’t check their regular mail, and decided in the end to settle for a more old-fashioned tactic.

“Yeah I will just hire someone to knock them off…*she sneezes*… their high horse by staring at them judgingly in the cafeteria. That ought to do it.” Joanne stated at press time, “If that doesn’t get the message across, I don’t know what will.”

#Local