Local Student Thinks about Going to the Gym, Decides TV Reruns are Enough

Local Clark University student, Claire Sanders (‘18), has an extremely strong work ethic, as evidenced by her intense workout schedule. Yesterday, Sanders returned from her morning classes, ready to feel the burn and contemplated the idea of going to the gym. Sanders imagined making the treacherous 67-step trudge to the athletic center, all the way from her dorm on the first floor of Wright Hall. She thought about the gruelling exercise of fishing her ID out of her bag, forcing a smile for the student behind the desk, and even, God forbid, figuring out some common topic to make nice about if she happens to recognize the poor desk-dweller. All this torture out of the way, and Sanders still hadn’t even begun the often fruitless search for a cubby to place her multitude of things. After such a hardship passed, came the arduous process of figuring out which machine is least likely to “get spooked” and throw her off in the event of some form of stampede.

After she spent a good twenty or thirty minutes ruminating on such life-threatening possibilities, Sanders was then so drained, she rewarded herself with a mini marathon of The Office on Netflix. And not wanting to be irresponsible with her well-oiled machine, Sanders decided to replenish her electrolytes with a refreshing bottle of gatorade. She also didn’t want to leave her washboard abs hanging, and ate three and a half Clif bars for sustenance. After laughing at yet another of Michael Scott’s hilarious blunders, Sanders went on to decide that her raucous chortles are an exercise of their own and felt that not going to the gym for the day was an adequate use of her time. However, since she did break quite a sweat during her set of episodes, she decided to take a quick shower, just to be safe.

When interviewed, Sanders had this to say, “I mean, getting swoll is hard, you know? So like, even thinking about it is kind of a work out. So eye-dee-kay, I feel like I at least deserve a treat, you know? Besides I’ll just get to it tomorrow, or whatever.” After a few days follow up, Sanders did not, in fact, just get to it tomorrow or whatever.

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