Man Struggles With National Identity

With Independence Day looming just a few months away, Worcester resident Bert Kramer disclosed to a few close friends and family Thursday that he does not identify as an American. “I haven’t said the pledge of allegiance for over a decade, and I’ve never even liked baseball,” said Kramer.

Kramer reported that his internal struggle with national identity has been a long and agonizing process. “I’ve always known that I’m different. When all my friends were pretending to be cowboys and Indians, I wanted to be a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman.”

Kramer was most worried about coming out to his father, Henry Kramer, who fought in the war and is an avid NASCAR fan. “I love my son no matter what, regardless of which side of the border he plays for,” said Kramer’s father, “He was always more polite than the other kids. Now that I think of it, I should have known that he preferred the puck.”

Kramer concluded that he is incredibly grateful that his friends and family have been so supportive, and that he can still legally get married in all fifty states.

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