Horoscopes 4/21-4/27

Aries: Ruled by the infamous God of War, you have an aggressive nature and are often told to “tone it down”. I say, screw it; fight somebody. Just start a fucking fight. Punch some dude in a ponytail with hipster glasses and do us all a favor.

Taurus: Associated with the bull, you are known for your strong will and stubborn attitude. You are also known for your irrational, fiery, hatred of the color red, stampedes, countless civilian casualties, and running wild in the streets of Pamplona, Spain, but we don’t need to discuss that.

Gemini: People have a hard time trying to pin you down, due to your thick skin. Because of that thick skin they also have a difficult time stabbing, shooting, and throwing projectiles at you. Utilize this talent, Gemini and finally be the superhero your city or small town deserves.

Cancer: People call you a home-body, Cancer and you tell yourself it’s because you spend so much time in your room. But we both know it’s really because you’ve become so attached to your house, that it has wholly consumed you. You are the house. The house is you. There is no end, no beginning; there is only The House. But hey, keep telling yourself it’s because you’re introverted!

Leo: You’ve always felt a bond with other Leos, even those who only have the sign as their name. And just like the famed Leonardo DiCaprio, you will continue to do stellar, game-changing work and be completely unrecognized for your talent and skill. Kind of like a public school teacher. Go you.

Virgo: Due to your sign’s association with purity, you often fret you will be a virgin forever. But never fear, Virgo, it will happen eventually! Of course you’ll never experience love, compassion, or human friendship, but at least you can lose your v-card.

Libra: You should libra-ate us from your presence! Eh? Get it? You see it’s funny because I made a pun out of your zodiac sign and also because everyone hates you. This is comedy gold, Libra, stop crying and congratulate me on my humor.

Scorpio: You should explore more, Scorpio! Make new friends, travel, try new things, complete the seven wonders and become the next supreme, go swimming, dismantle capitalism, buy an armoire, maybe kill a man, try golfing, I don’t know… But whatever you do, make sure you don’t leave a paper trail and have a blast!

Sagittarius: Oh Sagittarius, I feel like we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. I mean, sure, you’re a vile, bottom-feeder who sucks the life-force out of everyone you meet, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t give you a chance! Oh wait, it does, doesn’t it? Oh fuck it; go cartwheel in traffic, you insidious pest.

Capricorn: Darling, golden, sparkling, starshine, you are the human equivalent of free hugs from five golden retriever puppies on a warm, Summer’s day. Also your ass looks ah-mazing.

Aquarius: Considered mature and wise beyond your years, people trust you with their problems and feelings. But can you trust them with the fact that you’re just two kids in a trench coat? Open up to someone this week, Aquarius, and maybe they can get you into an R rated movie.

Pisces: You’re often compared to a fish, Pisces and people generally believe that’s because of your slimy personality and rotten smell. If only they knew the truth. But they never can. No one can ever know that the plot of the 1999 Disney Channel Original Movie The Thirteenth Year was based entirely off your life.

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