The Great Dolan Dust Storm Goes Unnoticed

For the past four days, the Dolan Athletic Facilities has endured a dust storm of near-apocalyptic proportions, which, other than the documentation from one Weather and Climate course, has gone completely unnoticed. In her journal, student of the course Jessica Lebeaux reported that the storm was “oddly self-sustaining, unlike anything we have learned about in class, and seems to have a personal vendetta against the baseball fields.” Instrumental readings have revealed that the storm has sustained 270 mile per hour winds for the past three days, making it the equivalent of a category 5 tornado, and estimates that it carries 12 tons of sand and dirt in its funneling winds. In an interview with The Freudian Slip, Professor Karen Frey stated that, “I never thought anything in the world could be more dangerous than the patriarchy, but this storm has changed my mind. I mean, literally the only thing that would make this more terrifying would be if it was on fire.”

Despite how dangerous the storm is, however, no one has even heard of its existence other than the students of the Weather and Climate course. When asked why he and his classmates haven’t spread the word for the safety of the student body, Sophomore Andy Schmitt said, “We have! All of us have! It’s just that as soon as we say something like ‘so today I was at the Dolan,’ or even anything containing the world ‘Dolan,’ everyone around just completely stops listening!” Upon further investigation, it was found that University Police has additionally sent out 12 security updates with the subject “The Great Dolan Dust Storm” and still no one took notice. “To be perfectly honest though, I almost wish that more people heard about this storm. At least then people might come to the Dolan to watch something.” Said Athletic Director Trish Cronin, “Recently it just has seemed like the entire student body thinks that if they go to the Dolan, they will die, which is unfair because it hasn’t been true until now.”

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