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UP Catches Son-of-a-Bitch That Turns Off Bathroom Lights

  • Liat Graf
  • Apr 21, 2015
  • 2 min read

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Yesterday, Monday the 20th, University Police released a formal announcement stating that the terroristic bastard who continually turns off the lights while people are using the bathroom has been arrested. The perpetrator habitually targeted unsuspecting bathroom-goers in the Goddard Library and the Higgins University Center.

University Police has been investigating this issue since early December. Significant progress was made last week, when David Garner (‘17) reported hearing a quiet, mocking laughter as the lights turned off mid-urination. Garner told The Freudian Slip, “I started waving my hands up and down in order to get the lights to turn back on, but then I lost aim and the mysterious voice laughed even harder.”

Since Garner’s incident, UP has placed special sensors in all campus bathrooms. In addition, several undercover officers have been assigned to find the person responsible for the traumatic and embarrassing accidents.

On the morning of Saturday the 19th, one of the undercover police officers went into the bathroom in the Goddard Library. As expected, the lights turned off as the officer was urinating. The officer responded swiftly, pulling out a flashlight and shedding light on the laughing creature, arresting him.

During his investigation, the heartless scumbag named Abaddon admitted to being only half human. He confessed that his mother is an alumni of Worcester Polytechnic Institute, and his father is Satan.

The officer leading the investigation, Sergeant James O’Connor, told The Freudian Slip, “With that combination of genes, no wonder the creature managed to get away with this for so long.” O’Connor proceeded to explain the method behind Abaddon’s devilish acts. “Abaddon would wait for people to start releasing themselves before turning off the light, because that is the point of no return. As Abaddon told us this, he looked me right in the eye and smiled. It was inhuman.”

With an impending trial date, this could be the only crime for which the Clark community would fully support a death penalty.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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