Writing on Freud's Book Finally Deciphered

After much pestering and speculation by Clark student, Paula Hynes (‘18) University president David Angel finally decided to put an end to the queries and investigate the writing on the book held by the stoic Freud statue in Red Square.

Few students care to ask about the contents of the book, but Paula has been a frequent visitor to Angel’s office since her freshman year – being first on line every time he holds his coveted, yet brief, office hours, each time asking if he has done anything to solve the mystery of the book. Finally, Angel could take it no longer, and on April 24th, 2015, hired a forensic analyst to decipher what is, literally, written in stone.

After a few hours of tireless analyzing and Google translating, the book was decoded. Joanne Darrigo emailed the entire student body with the deciphered message:

“Upon entering the Clark University campus, I was greeted by an array of students who thought they knew everything just because they took just one psychology or economics class. Some of the people I met were among the most pretentious I have ever met. One of them called themselves a “vegan.” I don’t know what that is, but I don’t like it. I’m going home to Germany and never coming back. I visit there one time, and they’re already building me a statue.”

The reveal has divided much of the Clark student body. Many students were appalled by what seemed to be an attack on Clarkies. A new group, Vegans Against Freud, quickly emerged and has started petitioning to tear down the statue. Other students were quicker to laugh off Freud’s comments, stating that they would hate to see a Clark landmark and frequent lap-dance recipient disappear just because people are “overly sensitive.”

Meanwhile, President Angel has been receiving constant emails and phone calls about the book. He raised tuition even higher in an attempt to distract the angry students but, so far, no one has noticed.

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