CLARK UNIVERSITY’S NEW INITIATIVES TO SAVE ENERGY

The Class of 2019 is the largest that Clark University has ever seen. As first- year students start to arrive on campus numerous questions on how to cut rising costs have been raised.

A senior member of the Clark University financial committee, Rachel Brown, told The Freudian Slip, “We looked at the budget during a week-long retreat to the Plaza Hotel in New York City, which we got for a steal of only $100,000 a day, and came up with a brilliant solution to lower function costs!”

The solution Brown is alluding to is the removal of warm water from first-year residential halls : JSC, Wright, and Bullock. Brown further commented, “We are also contemplating the removal of washing machines from all first-year dorms. We plan to encourage students to either send their laundry out or wear their clothes with them into the shower. What difference would it really make? We all know that true Clarkies aren’t exactly known for their good hygiene…”

Incoming first-year students are concerned about the changes. “I don’t know what to think! I posted on the Class of 2019 Facebook page about my concerns and am still awaiting a response, but it was seen by 229 people! Also, what pizza places are near Clark? EEK I’M SO EXCITED!” exclaimed a First-Year who wishes to remain anonymous.

The decision has yet to be approved by the Board of Trustees, but the changes are forecasted to pass. A protest is scheduled in Red Square during First-Year move in day to both welcome the new Clarkies and acculturate them to the socially conscious spirit of Clark. First-Years are encouraged to prepare their parents and shower before they get there.

#Weekone