Horoscopes: Welcome Back Edition TM

Aries: With your “adventurous” spirit you’re bound to make a multitude of new friends, Aries, the problem is just holding on to them. To ensure they cannot escape the bonds of your friendship, hold them captive in the craft room. Since it’s basically a dungeon already, it will serve your very legitimate purposes well.

Taurus: You consider yourself kind of a tough guy, Taurus, and with good reasoning, considering that one time you didn’t cry at the Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercial. But you know what would make you really tough? Fighting the pissbaby of the zodiac, Cancer. Anyone can fight a worthy opponent, but to have the cold, unfeeling, toughness to fight someone who’s only defense is crying and asking you to call their mom to pick them up after you crush them into a moist, bloody pulp is truly rare. Do it. Fight Cancer and show us all what pureed wimp looks like.

Gemini: Considered an exploratory sign, you love to hang out at as many spots on campus as you can, Gemini, which is the answer you give people when they ask how it is you seem to be everywhere at once. The true answer of course lies deep within the confines of your hyperactive, scheming mind. And obviously the minds of all your evil clones. But can they really qualify as having conscious minds if they were made in the Wright Hall public bathroom? A scientific dilemma for another day, Gemini; you’ve got countless acquaintances to deceive!

Cancer: Watch the fuck out.

Leo: A natural born leader, it’s no surprise that you’re returning to Clark as a PA this year, Leo. The true surprise however lurks beneath your perky facade and friendly attitude. But when the ice breaker games are over and the friendships are solidified, only then will the first years truly know of your raw power and nagging hunger for human flesh. Also you can finally be Facebook friends!

Virgo: With your supportive and caring nature, Virgo, you’re concerned that starting college will bring yet another friend group you will be forced into mothering. But fear not, for there is an alternative for your maternal rut. Just don’t make any friends! It’s way easier than you think. Simply ignore all offers to hang out and every night when the moon has risen to its peak and all the animals are unknowably silent, climb the tallest tree on the green and screech ceaselessly into the night while slowly, yet efficiently clawing off the bark of the oak that has become your new home. That oughtta clear that friend problem right up.

Libra: Always wanting to keep the peace, you’re having a hard time dealing with your rambunctious neighbors on your floor this semester, Libra. Oh I’m sorry did I say “peace”? I meant “piece”, as in you always keep a piece of your victims after they have blasted OMI’s Cheerleader for the last time. Anyways, good luck dealing with your fellow residents, Libra!

Scorpio: Often described as power hungry, people expect you to already be lusting after your throne at the top of the social pyramid, this semester. But the only thing you’re concerned about this week is being actually hungry. How long have you been on campus? And you still haven’t bought any groceries? You can only survive on that granola bar in your purse for so long. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND BUY SOME DELI MEATS.

Sagittarius: Finally decided to show your face around here, didn’t you Sagittarius? I bet it’s good to be back, even if you weren’t always the most popular. Oh wait, what’s that? That’s not your face? It’s a mask? Your true form is something so deeply horrifying and disturbing our mortal minds could never even fathom its unseeable terror? And you’ve returned to campus solely to stalk the weak and sleep-deprived? Well why didn’t you say so? Welcome back to Clark, Sagittarius!

Capricorn: Delightful, innocent, Capricorn. You are the first autumn breeze and the refreshing summer’s rain. Nothing could ever bring you down. And nothing ever will! You will literally be happy forever. What’s it like to never know Love’s cruel sting?

Aquarius: I know you’re expecting some lengthy and specific horoscope this week Aquarius, but let’s cut the shit and just be honest for one second. You think you’re too moody and misunderstood for something as mundane as a zodiac prediction to grasp, and I just don’t care enough about your emo ass to try. So let’s take a break this week and next issue I’ll go back to pretending to give a flying graceful fuck about your future. Cool?

Pisces: What can I say, Pisces? You know what you want this semester and you’re going to get it, no matter what. So who cares, ditch your Psych 101 class and follow your heart/the steps on that ancient treasure map to the Fountain of Youth. I mean, no one ever achieved eternal life without breaking a few rules.

#Horoscope #WeekOne #Weekone