Pathetic Student Eats Alone

Emotionally exhausted from a morning of forced socializing and AlcoholEdu workshops, first-year student Calvin Young (’19) decided to eat lunch by himself.

Young told The Freudian Slip, “I just needed some alone time. I thought it would be nice to listen to my iPod and read the next few chapters of my book.”

Unfortunately for Young, he failed to realize just how absolutely pathetic he looked without a lunch buddy.

Young’s roommate and self-proclaimed ‘bro,’ Ty Johnson (’19), expressed concern for Young’s social reputation. “Calvin is a really cool guy, but people would never know by the way he’s eating. I asked him if he wanted to join my buddies and me for lunch, but he politely declined. Doesn’t he know he’s embarrassing himself?”

Johnson promptly returned to eating lunch at the two large round tables that he and his friends pushed together, because they are so gosh darn cool.

When asked to comment, Young replied, “I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. Is it a crime to eat one meal alone?”

University Police later confirmed that it is a crime to eat one meal alone due to its unlawfully pathetic nature. Officer Densky told The Freudian Slip, “Studies have shown that eating one meal alone is a gateway to lying by yourself on the green in broad daylight and having no friends whatsoever.”

Young is currently facing psychiatric arrest. If found guilty, he may be charged with a $200 fine and up to two years in a student club he couldn’t give two shits about.

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