The Freudian Slip Presents: Cooking Tips for the Incoming College Student

For many incoming first years, the most intimidating part of college is finding sustenance in the anarchy that is the absence of parents. Surprisingly, there is food literally everywhere at college. Between the Higgins Dining Hall, the Bistro, Jazzman’s, and every club that gives away food at their events, the University basically force feeds you. Moreover, if you mix this with all of the off-campus options, it becomes questionable why anyone would ever want to learn how to cook. Despite this fact, as you will soon find out, the coolest people on campus are the ones who can cook for themselves. Here at The Freudian Slip we hope to give you the skills to create the same false image of being able to live on your own that these people have mastered. So with that we present to you the most basic cooking tips that you will need to survive in the Hell’s Kitchen that is the judgment of your peers:

To streamline the cooking process, always compare measurements in recipes to things that are much easier to visualize. For instance, a teaspoon is a third of the size of a tablespoon, and a tablespoon is about the size of a baby’s eyeball.

When using a knife, make sure to have a steady hand and maintain eye contact with what you are cutting so it knows you are serious, just like a Bond villain would.

Since alcohol is not allowed in any of the first year residence halls, be sure to buy non-alcoholic cooking wine in the wussy aisle of your local grocery store.

To boil water, simply put water on a hot stovetop. However, figuring out how to contain this power is your mission, should you choose to accept it.

Microwaves are dumb. You can type in something like 3 minutes and 96 seconds and it will still work. Use your superior intellect as an advantage.

While cooking meats, come to terms with the fact that you just brought that animal one step closer to extinction.

Never use a Crock-Pot or a slow cooker of any kind. It is about as exciting as watching paint dry and your food will always taste like a tempurpedic pillow soaked in chicken broth. Guaranteed.

After washing dishes, be sure to leave behind bits of food so your hall-mates know exactly what they missed out on.

Utilizing the aforementioned ‘helpful hints,’ here are some exciting new recipes:

Scrambled Eggs

Ingredients:

2 eggs

¼ cup milk

1 teaspoon crushed black pepper

1 teaspoon crushed white pepper

1 teaspoon crushed Mexican pepper

All the shake you can get out of that thang that Mama gave ya’

Preparation Time: 5 minutes

Directions:

The first step in making perfect scrambled eggs is doing the full dance routine to Kelis’ hit song “Milkshake” with an egg in each hand before cracking them open. Next, you crack them open, whisk in a bowl, add all races of pepper non-discriminately, pour into a heated frying pan and stir until white and fluffy.

Serves: All the boys in the yard

Vegan Paella Primavera

Ingredients:

2½ tsp. olive oil

1 red bell pepper, chopped

6 green onions, thinly sliced

3 cups low-sodium vegetable broth

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 tsp. crumbled saffron threads

1 cup short-grain white rice, such as Valencia

3 cups broccoli florets

1 cup fresh or frozen baby peas

1 cup halved grape or cherry tomatoes, peeled

12 pitted green olives, halved

12 pitted black olives, halved, optional

1 lemon, cut into wedges

¼ cup chopped fresh parsley

Preparation Time: 78 minutes

Directions:

Put olive oil in a large frying pan and begin stir-frying vegetables. Bring water to boil in a large sauce pan to cook rice. When rice is done, add to vegetables and stir fry with vegetable broth. Become increasingly frustrated with the difficulty of the dish and your friends asking you when you will be done. Give up and order pizza from Uncle Sam’s.

Fresh Baked Cookies

Ingredients:

1 ziploc container

1 swipe to the Cafeteria

1 set of quick hands

1 disguise

Preparation Time: 12 minutes

Directions: Steal, baby, steal!

Serves: 1, because you are a selfish little shit.

No matter what happens in the kitchen, always remember that when all hope is lost (toast burnt, butter melted, and finger missing), knock on DaVaughn’s door and he’ll fix ya up with a nice barbeque influenced eggs benedict on homemade biscuits with a sprinkle of love.