Tragic Pile Up in Caf Leaves 7 Wounded, 2 Dead

BREAKING STORY: Last updated August 25th, 2015

What began as a normal lunch rush in the caf suddenly turned deadly after an unknown first-year suddenly stopped short causing a massive pile up on the floor of the Higgins Dining Hall.

The tragedy began at 1:17 PM when following the 12-1:15 shift when what a sodexo worker described as a “shit-load” of students lined up to enter the caf. The Global Toss station became unusually crowded at around 1:23 PM. The food being served that day was the always popular cheese quesadilla.

At 1:27 PM things took a turn for the worse. The student, who was only identified as a male first year student, suddenly stopped the flow of traffic going out the double doorways that lead into the caf. A student who was talking to a friend didn’t notice and bumped into him, knocking him over. The student fell over and was accidentally stabbed by his own fork. This, according to University Police investigators, caused a panic that resulted in a deadly pile up.

Brent Mills (‘17) described the incident: “It was terrifying. This is probably going to haunt me more than the Richard Blanco Poetry Stampede of 2014.” The Poetry Stampede, Clark’s last major disaster, left 5 students wounded and Richard Blanco missing.

The two confirmed deaths were the unidentified first year who fell on his fork, and Sonia Robles (‘18) whose head was crushed by those giant bowls the caf insists on putting food in. “What are those bowls even for? They’re too big to hold soup and too bowl-y to hold anything else. And they’re heavy and awkward. I’m not even surprised they killed someone,” Julia Cho (‘16) commented.

7 students were wounded, 2 students remain in critical condition. 3 students are still waiting to be seen at health services. Both David Angel and Sodexo have not released their comments yet.

It’s unsure why the student stopped so suddenly but the autopsy report from health services suggests he was trying to grab a fork, and a magic bar, and talk to three friends at the same time. This conclusion was drawn from his strained vocal chords, a magic bar found in his system, and the fork sticking out of his eye.

The Freudian Slip will continue to post updates on the investigation as more information becomes available. A vigil is to be held in Red Square on Thursday.

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