Clark University Introduces Intramural Cage Fighting League

The Kneller Fitness Center has experienced a massive increase in the use of its training facilities this past week in anticipation of Clark University’s newest intramural program. The Freudian Slip reports:

Despite its relatively tame athletic environment, Clark has always promoted intramural sports as a means of encouraging personal health and bringing the community together through friendly competition. With this in consideration, Clark University announced its newest addition to the intramural options on campus this past Thursday: Cage fights.

According to the University, this new ‘Rage in the Cage’ will be used to determine the best roommates on campus.

Following the announcement, Athletic Director Trish Cronin stated that she is looking forward to broadening the horizons of Clark Athletics. Furthermore, she is working to end the discrimination against sports that are typically thought to be more violent. Cronin told The Freudian Slip, “We believe that intramural cage fighting will be a great way to move toward a more all-inclusive athletic atmosphere here at Clark. Plus, adding the roommate component will only benefit the neighborly environment that we are trying to foster through intramurals. We hope that roommates will use this opportunity to have some fun and take their mind off school work for a few hours a week while getting some exercise at the same time!”

In the spirit of friendly, healthy competition, roommates across campus have vowed to absolutely demolish anyone who thinks that they are a better set of roommates. The excitement for this upcoming season can best summed up by one of the many inseparable Bullock Hall duos, “If anyone even hints that they are better than us, we will literally dismantle their bodies, reassemble them however we wish, and display them on the green as modern art.”

Early favorites to win as best roommates are the girls that live in the triple in the basement of JSC. Not only do they have the advantage of an extra person, but their room is so big that they have been able to train with the full-sized punching bag they hung from the ceiling and the home gym they managed to fit inside their en-suite bathroom.

Clark University also announced that since the Dolan is currently shut down due to frequent lobster attacks, the cage fights will be held on the Green, which has only heightened the student body’s excitement. With the new location, many people are treating the program as preparation for jello wrestling on Spree Day, saying that it will be a great way to get a feel for the Green’s fighting conditions. Others are simply just excited to show off their muscles to everyone on campus.

Still, whatever the motives, roommates across campus are itching to get inside the octagon. In the words of those two quiet kids from down the hall, “We appreciate Clark coming up with a way for us to safely release the stress of the semester’s work. We didn’t realize this until now, but we have a fire burning inside of us. We will clothesline you, we will pin you down, and we will drop the hammer on your ass.”

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