Clark University Misplaces the 65% of Students Who Take Part in Athletics

In a moment of panic last Thursday, Clark University reportedly could not find the 65% of its student body that takes part in varsity, club, or intramural sports. Clark frantically searched its red drawstring bag and the pockets of its cuffed, light-washed denim jumpsuit for some time before coherently explaining its issue to The Freudian Slip with a feverish intensity, “I don’t know what happened! I had them in my hand this morning when I left my room. I think I may have lost them in the Caf? Or maybe I left them on the Green... You know what? I bet they were stolen when I was in the library.”

Clark University continued to ramble on like this long after The Freudian Slip stopped listening. Still, upon further investigation, no one on campus had seen the large number of missing student athletes - not even multiple posts to the Class of 2018 and Class of 2019 Facebook pages could uncover them.

At one point in the madness, Clark realized that the 65% of students that do sports of some level could very well be at the Dolan. Unfortunately, this hypothesis was promptly disproven, when Clark came to its senses and realized that the Dolan is not much more than lifeless arid land with some rusty car parts and shattered D-1 dreams scattered across the turf.

“This part of the student body is extremely valuable to me and I have no idea what I will do without it,” Clark University told The Freudian Slip on the walk back from the Dolan, “The Outing Club just doesn’t sell to prospective athletes.”

#Sports