Clarkie Leaves Home, Family Gets Horny

The topic of one's parents having sex is generally regarded as taboo. However, Samantha Wells (’19) did not have a choice but to contemplate her parents’ sex lives when her mother made a personal inquiry about Choices.

Choices, an organization at Clark that promotes safe sex on campus, is known to have a generous selection of sex toys for sale at their store in the University Center.

“My mom was really impressed by Choices' store when she moved me in,” Wells told The Freudian Slip, “Yesterday she called me and asked if I would be willing to purchase a butt plug for her and send it in time for my dad’s birthday next week.”

Candy, Wells' mother, stated, “Now that my baby Sammy is off to college, I thought I would get a little more adventurous in the bedroom. I'm too embarrassed to go to the sex shop here in town, so I asked Sammy to send me one. I didn’t think she’d throw such a fit! I tell her all the time, ‘Sammy, you’re an adult now, so I am going to treat you like one.’ I guess she just isn’t ready.”

Choices refused to answer any questions about the situation, but did offer to answer any and all questions about their new supply of ethically raised, vegan, gluten-free, non-GMO, genuine lambskin condoms.

Wells' grandmother has recently intervened. She told The Freudian Slip, “I messaged Sammy on Facebook and told her to just buy the [expletive] butt plug for her folks, and pick me up an XXL vibrator while she’s at it!”

In response, Wells reported, “She didn’t message me, she [expletive] wrote it on my Facebook wall because she doesn’t understand Facebook. It got 167 likes before I was able to take

it down. Now everyone knows how awkward my family is, and even worse- now I know what type of weird [expletive] my grandma's into. I don't even want to think about Parents' Weekend..."

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