Horoscopes 9/20-9/27

Aires: People call you “determined”, Aries, and you guess they have a point, but they’re only half right. Sure it’s “determined” to stay up all night to get three weeks ahead in your syllabus. It’s “determined” to have already gone to all your professors’ office hours and begged them to proofread your midterm proposals. But is it “determined” to camp outside President Angel’s office every night at 2:30am with your hair ragged, clothes torn near to shreds, your face and hands covered in unknown blood, while chanting to the heavens to approve of your nefarious sacrifice in exchange for a 4.0 this semester? That might be where “determined” becomes “deranged”, but idk I’d ask a Psych 101 kid.

Taurus: You’ve always considered yourself strong, Taurus, but yours is a subtle strength, and therefore less likely to earn you the herculean recognition you so ardently crave. In order to acquire that fame however, you should commit the ultimate feat of brawn and wrestle a giant squid. Think about it: they’re elusive, live in the ocean so you’d have to hold your breath during the fight (bonus tough points), and they are larger and definitively more terrifying than your average house. Hulk Hogan can’t even say he’s dueled the equivalent of a kraken, so you’d basically become a God amongst mortals. Just something to think about...

Gemini: As one of the most changeable signs of the zodiac, people often call you two-faced, Gemini. But you always laugh it off, because sure that stings a little, but it’s better than them knowing The Truth. That you’re actually a troll changeling living out the hollow shell of a human life, never truly fitting in because of your hairy feet and insatiable thirst for manflesh.

Cancer: Stop crying.

Leo: You should snap Cancer out of it, or else they’re gonna stay like this for a while.

Virgo: The most thoughtful of the zodiac, you like to think before you speak, Virgo, in order to ensure your answer is eloquent, descriptive, and not the least bit pedantic. Which is why you’re still sitting on the green contemplating what fun fact about yourself you should tell your PA group. Maybe you’ll figure it out by Thanksgiving.

Libra: You’ve gotten a lot done this week, Libra, so your first inclination is to take it easy for the next few days. But we both know that cannot be allowed to happen. If you take a break who will appease Them? Without you there to genuflect to Their Almighty egos, who among us mortals is safe from Their Benevolent yet all Consuming, Fiery Wrath? Plus you should totes just use this downtime to get ahead on your readings for class.

Scorpio: Good luck in The Games. Here’s hoping you keep all your limbs.

Sagittarius: As the optimist of the zodiac, you believe you can handle anything life throws your way, Sagittarius. But I mean hey, if life threw me the curveball of both being completely devoid of the human capacity for love and the unquenchable desire for the carnage of battle, I’d definitely need to keep a positive spin on things in order to hold back the rising tide of my hunger for blood too!

Capricorn: Sweet, darling, innocent, oaken sapling, untouched by man, you are purer than pure, Capricorn. So much so in fact, that you’re growing less and less visible. Soon you will be on your way to being completely intangible. Then the process will finally be complete and you can emerge, with your snow white hair and glowing green eyes as the true Danny Phantom. Get ready to go ghost.

Aquarius: You’re often told you can be too serious Aquarius, to lighten up and live your life. Little do they know you are actually a robot who is just learning to love and consider these comments both very hurtful and an impediment to your process. How will you ever earn a soul if they keep being so insensitive?

Pisces: You’re just going to spend your week watching all the weird shit the other zodiacs are doing and shaking your head in equal parts disgust and contempt. Also you’ll turn into a man-eating dragon or something.

#Horoscope