Local Student Trapped at ‘Eclectic’ Off-Campus Dinner Party

After a year of relative obscurity and long lonely nights in Bullock, current sophomore Bruce Nguyen (’18) reported that he was thrilled to be invited to an off-campus party last weekend. “It was just the chance I needed!” Nguyen told The Freudian Slip. “After a year of weekends alone with Netflix and Red Lantern takeout, I thought I’d finally get a chance to make a name for myself with the cool upperclassman!”

Nguyen told The Freudian Slip that the house he was invited to belonged to senior Keiko Danjuma (’16), the president of Clark’s Croquet Club. Danjuma had planned the event as a club bonding exercise for new and returning club members. When Nguyen first arrived, he immediately noticed something was amiss.

“My friend told me Clark parties can be a little eclectic,” Nguyen reported, “But this kind of weird is unheard of. They were just kind of sitting there in silence, drinking wine and eating cheese.” Apparently the dinner party was a potluck, which meant that Nguyen had to make a quick run to Tedeschi’s to buy a bag of chips so as not to seem ‘uncool.’

Nguyen confirmed that the weirdness didn’t stop there. As conversations continued and cheap Australian wine flowed, the focus eventually fell upon the hostess. “Keiko just kind of told her entire life story,” Nguyen said, “And by her entire life story, I mean every single detail: from her elementary school days in Sri Lanka, to her Spring Break in Nicaragua, even how her parents met at the 1984 Siberian Open Croquet Tournament. I mean it’s cool and all, but after a certain point it’s like ‘yeah, we get it, you’re special.’ You know what I’m saying?” Despite this frustration, Nguyen sat through the entire two-hour story in an attempt to prove himself to Danjuma and her friends, not even getting up to go to the bathroom.

Nguyen told The Freudian Slip that as the night progressed, things somehow only got weirder. “At around 2:00AM everyone just got up, changed into catsuits, and chased each other around the house with croquet mallets. It was crazy.” Still, not wanting to seem uncool, Nguyen of course participated in the incredibly bizarre club tradition.

Nguyen told The Freudian Slip that he finally left the still lively party at around 4:30, melancholic, bruised, and desperately needing to pee. “I saw a lot of weird things that night,” Nguyen told The Freudian Slip, “A lot of things I may never unsee, but so long as people think I’m cool, it’ll have been worth it!”

In order to determine whether Nguyen’s attempts at being cool were successful, The Freudian Slip interviewed Croquet Club President Keiko Danjuma to hear what she thought of him. When questioned, Danjuma gave a puzzled look and asked “Who’s Bruce Nguyen?”

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