Quasi-Baroque Latte Opens on Main Street - Competition Brewing

After years of monopolistic success, long time Clark favorite Acoustic Java is finally being met with some competition. Recently opened right across the street, Quasi-Baroque Latte welcomes Clarkies and Worcester residents with cuffed jeans and pierced septums, promising them quality grounds from the fanciest-sounding countries that nobody can point to on a map, sold at prices almost three times as expensive as their competition.

In addition to coffee, Quasi-Baroque Latte offers a variety of baked goods, salads, and sandwiches, made from only the freshest locally-grown ingredients that Price Chopper has to offer. If you’re looking for a cheap bite on the go, look to Quasi-Baroque’s Five-Dollar Jar, an invertible cornucopia of day-old brownies and muffins for only five dollars each (plus tax). If you really hate your body, Quasi-Baroque also offers the Heart Palpitation: two dozen shots of espresso ready to stop that pesky ticker in its tracks.

However, Quasi-Baroque Latte offers more than just really, really overpriced coffee; it presents a new, completely unique atmosphere. The Freudian Slip discovered that Quasi-Baroque Latte also sells art. If you are looking for a little culture for your dorm room, rough sketches, crayon drawings, and other random doodle’s may be purchased for as little as $450 (plus tax). Bookshelves crammed full of untouched books line every inch of wall. From Paradise Lost to Go Dog Go, Walden to The 2002 Fodor’s Guide of Wyoming, every possible book imaginable sits waiting to be seen. Plans are reportedly underway to install bookshelves in the ceiling, just because they can.

“I really like this place,” said art history major and frequent customer Brent Reynolds (’16). “It’s so raw and Bohemian, unlike those coffee corporations that are just about the money. Quasi-Baroque cares about their customers’ satisfaction. Also, their brew is the illest.” Brent finished off the last gulps of his medium Sealand dark roast, an $11 investment.

Reynolds’ friend and macroeconomics Ph.D student Clyde Reese (’15) nodded in agreement. “Totally dude. So what if it’s a little expensive? It’s all about the atmosphere.” Clyde proceeded to take another bite out of his modestly-sized, $24 turkey sandwich.

Acoustic Java is not about to take this competition lightly. Plans are already underway to quintuple the prices of their already absurdly expensive food.

In a poll amongst the student body, 17% said their allegiance still lies with Acoustic, 14% said that they would switch over to Quasi-Baroque, and the remaining 69% reported that they would just go to Jazzman’s “because it’s there.”