Horoscopes 9/27-10/3

Aries: You have been described as possessing a pioneering attitude, Aries, which I guess would explain why every time you see a boulder you jump on top of it screaming, “The pioneers used to ride these babies for miles!” and descend into uncontrollable sobbing. Either way, maybe talk to a psych major.

Taurus: I know you value your security, Taurus, but hiding out in a vault like a goblin reveling in his golden hoard isn’t really the way to go about it. Maybe get a rottweiler or something.

Gemini: You consider yourself an intellectual, which would explain your frail, delicate, and altogether abandoned body. Or at least that’s what you tell people. The Mortals cannot know how you truly acquired your flesh-prison, nor the means you are willing to go to escape it. Hang in there, buddy.

Cancer: You’re known for being intuitive, Cancer. So did you sense that you were going to whine like a little pissbaby this week? Because I did. We all did.

Leo: People think you can come off as kind of pompous, Leo. So pompous, in fact, that your theme song should be “Pomp and Circumstance”. Get it? “Pomp and Circumstance”? Because you’re so pompous, eh? You know maybe if you didn’t take yourself so seriously, Leo, you could actually understand the depth of my cerebral joke.

Virgo: Your penchant for perfectionism can be a little much for most people, Virgo, which is why you should completely abandon the company of other humans and retire to your hand-crafted automatons, the vision of perfection and lifeless zeal. After all, they can’t break your heart.

Libra: I don’t really have anything that exciting for you, Libra, your week’s just gonna be pretty mediocre. But then again, so is your life, so that’s not really much of a drastic change for you, is it?

Scorpio: That self-loathing of yours is getting a little out of hand there, Scorpio. Keep it in check by wearing velcro gloves so it can always stay in your hand and never escape your grasp- just like you will never escape your shame and inward-pointed disgust.

Sagittarius: With your freedom-loving spirit, Sagittarius, you’re prone to undertaking grand adventures and getting the most out of life. So, keep making those adventures and maybe one of them will lead you into the nest of giant, man-eating spiders who hunger for the flesh of those who dare disturb their rest. Basically what I’m saying here, Sagittarius, is that I hope you are devoured raw by ravenous spiders. Also you’re tacky and I hate you.

Capricorn: Precious, darling, starshine, you are the radiant moonbeams of another galaxy, sprung from the bosom of the goddess of light and sprinkled with the golden drops of her tears. Keep being you, Capricorn. Or if that’s not enough, you can be me! Lord knows someone has to be, and I sure as hell don’t want to.

Aquarius: “I am gay, gay, gay. I like long, big cocks. I am super, super gay. I like long, big cocks”. "Vladimir Putin I Am Gay Gay Gay [5 Min Original]." YouTube. YouTube, 18 Oct. 2014. Web. 25 Sept. 2015.

Pisces: Swim free, little fish. Look out for pollution.

#Horoscope