Students Overwhelmed By Size of Fruit at Bistro

The Freudian Slip followed the loud sounds of aggressive crunching and chewing from the AC out to the Green, where Johnny Olsen (’18) was found frantically eating an apple a quarter the size of his head.

“I’ve been eating this apple for half an hour,” Olsen cried to The Freudian Slip while spewing chunks of fruit from his mouth. “I have class in five minutes and I’m not even close to finished with it, but if I throw it out I’ll be wasting my last swap of the week!”

Olsen’s complaint is just one of many voiced by students on campus. Countless students can be found standing by the bins of fruit at the cooler in the Bistro, eyes wide and mouths downturned.

“I’m really overwhelmed,” Ana Kelley (’17) told The Freudian Slip before attempting to shove an entire apple into her open mouth. When it clearly wasn’t going to work out, Kelley threw the fruit back with all the others. “My mouth just isn’t big enough! When did eating get so hard? Last year the fruit fell apart right when you tried to eat it... does Clark want us to starve?!”

The Freudian Slip sought out workers of Sodexo to inquire further about the drastic changes being made around campus. Several Bistro employees were found circled around a pile of glistening, unblemished fruit laid out on the sidewalk, “We’re just trying our best to provide for these students,” one employee said while glaring at all the large, ripened fruit at his feet. “We put this fruit out in the sun hoping it would start to rot, but it’s been four days and nothing!”

“These kids might just have to suffer through this abundance of healthy, delicious produce,” another employee sighed to The Freudian Slip, “All we can do is hope it gets worse again soon.”

#Local