Horoscopes 10/18-10/24

Aries: With your selfish tendencies, I would give thinking about others a chance this week, Aries. For example, think about what others can do for you, how much they think about you, and which of their organs and hair you can harvest to give you that radiant, I’m-not-selfish glow.

Taurus: Patience is key to a Taurus, so you know the value of biding your time. In fact, most of your time is spent waiting, watching, lurking, and preparing. One day it will all be worth it and they will know. They will all know. Also those packages will finally arrive in the mail!

Gemini: You seem a little tense lately, Gemini. To try and combat that mortifying sense of ominous dread coming your way, I would suggest contorting your body into a tight circle on the closest patch of grass you can find, and while clenching your core muscles tightly, letting out a piercing, guttural screech that will hopefully shatter whatever remaining sense of composure you have left in your quickly deteriorating psyche, and leave you as the frail shell of person you always knew you would be. On the plus side, though: becoming an unused husk that was once human is a great diet trick.

Cancer: It’s October now, Cancer, and that means that Halloween is right around the corner. But don’t wet your Depends just yet, little buddy; I have a solution to all the frightening ghouls and decorations you’ll be faced with this month. Fight everything. Use your sobbing terror to punch anything remotely Halloween-related you see. Sure, you are literally the weakest physically of all the zodiacs, (I mean except Sagittarius, like fuck that guy) but no one wants to see a soaked, howling mess running full speed at them ready to strike. So do it; fight those fake spiderwebs in your hall this year, and just wait as your Cool Points skyrocket.

Leo: You’re known for being warm-hearted, Leo, and that’s not without cause. You do possess a warm heart. An extremely warm heart. Almost too warm. So warm, in fact, that many of the world’s leading scientists have long suspected you of hoarding a radioactive core in the gaping chasm where your heart should be, that if disturbed could self-destruct and doom us all to a barren, loveless existence. Luckily for you, the powerful heart-lobby is halting their research, so have a fun week!

Virgo: People often call you conservative, Virgo, and I know that stings your liberal sensibilities. But, they’re most likely not referring to your politics when they say this and instead your eerie passion for conserving a lock of hair from every person you come across who’s wearing grey. Elephant Thursday already exists, man. You need to get a new gimmick. Try stealing people’s socks or something.

Libra: I know what you did.

Scorpio: Widely considered to be the most passionate in the zodiac, you have a bit of a reputation for letting your emotions get the better of you, Scorpio. What better way to deal with that particular issue than to slowly but surely strip yourself of all human feeling and sentiment by binge-watching every Guy Fieri show ever made.

Sagittarius: You bottom-feeding, soulless, amphibious, nerf-herder, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. Specifically, I have 206 bones and all of them are itching to wipe that dead-eyed, vacant smile off your oddly scaly face. But since I’m hiding behind my computer like some kind of brony and can’t exact my revenge in person due to your overpowering stench, just know this, Sagittarius: “You’re the weak one. You’ll never know love, or friendship and I feel sorry for you.” - Harry James Potter, Order of the Phoenix, J.K. Rowling

Capricorn: Exuberant, shining, darling Capricorn, you have never disappointed me. And you never will. Now that you’ve been suspended in time you will stay perfect and pure forever, exceeding the cruel reach of death and never learning the mortal sting of reality.

Aquarius: You’ve always considered yourself a humanitarian, Aquarius. But, more in the way that you’re interested in studying the socio-cultural ways of The Humans so you have something interesting to report back to your commanding officer once you get back aboard The Ship. They are always curious to see what odd exploits The Humans get up to, like this whole Donald Trump for president thing... that’ll be a hoot on the Home-World.

Pisces: You have a tendency for escapism, Pisces. Luckily, that will come in handy this week when you are trapped in the trunk of Libra’s car. Remember: kick out the taillight.

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