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Clark Announces New Clark Studies Department

  • Alden Welles
  • Oct 27, 2015
  • 2 min read

In an announcement that garnered praise and support from the Clark student body, Clark University unveiled its new Clark Studies department last Saturday, September 27th. This new field of study allows students to learn about all the workings of Clark’s curriculum, student body, and pre-WWII lobotomy chairs hidden in the bowels of Jonas Clark. Clark University President David Angel describes the new program as “a field created by Clarkies, for Clarkies, about Clarkies, outside Clarkies, inside Clarkies, Clarkies.” The university hopes that the exciting new field will promote and enhance the non-existent school spirit at Clark.

In an exclusive interview with The Freudian Slip, President Angel stated that the Clark Studies Department will feature something for everyone. “Fans of a certain weekly Clark tradition will want to take the course titled ‘Elephant Thursday in Global Context,’ a class that focuses on globalization’s little-discussed effect on the days of the week. Specifically, the class will call us to question ourselves why we are prone to wearing gray on Thursdays, and not Mondays or Tuesdays.

Another course offered in the new department appeals to Clarkies interested in enthusiastically greeting students in the UC, “The Art of Tabling.” Furthermore, Clarkies who have noticed some strangely named aspects of Clark will have the opportunity to enroll in ‘Escorts, Cougars, and Other Double Entendres.’ ‘The Clark Mindset’ will undoubtedly attract Clark’s countless psych majors, especially those interested in psychoanalyzing their fellow Clarkies. Finally, psych majors will also want to check out ‘Sigmund Freud: Lunatic or Nutcase?’

The Clark Studies Department will officially open in the Fall of 2016, giving Clarkies plenty of time to decide if this is the right field for them. Preliminary surveys conducted by The Freudian Slip indicates that many students are in favor of this new program and are looking forward to being able to study topics that are groundbreaking, relevant, and certainly not a waste of tuition dollars. Plus, as The Freudian Slip already knew, Clarkies sure do love talking about themselves.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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