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President Angel Unveils Plans to Build Chimney to the Moon

  • John Kaplan
  • Oct 27, 2015
  • 2 min read

​After over a month of construction, Clark University President David Angel finally released a statement regarding the progress of the renovation of the chimney on Jonas Clark Hall. President Angel officially revealed his plans to build it ‘high enough to reach the moon.’

President Angel enthusiastically announced that the project will only take another thirty to forty years to complete. In addition to making Clark stand out among the other twelve consortium colleges for undertaking the largest and most out-of-this-world project that Worcester has ever seen, President Angel intends for this project to open up new work-study opportunities. Students will have the opportunity to assist in construction and LEEP out of this atmosphere, when the time is right.

When asked why he decided to take on the roughly $45 billion project, President Angel simply shrugged, looked longingly to the sky, and told The Freudian Slip with teary eyes, “Sometimes an Angel has just got to reach for the heavens.”

Although some applaud President Angel’s ambition, many see it is as a foolish goal and even a hopeless challenge. Worcester Polytechnic Institute President Laurie Leshin is one such person. “Who the hell does this David Angel think he is?” President Leshin told The Freudian Slip in an interview, “I worked at friggin’ NASA! If he thinks he can beat me at a space race, he has another thing coming!”

Rumor has it that President Leshin has allocated some of WPI’s top engineering and physics Ph.D students to an underground project to work out the logistics behind launching a chimney into space.

Really, one must wonder what will come out on top: raw science and statistics, or one Angel’s man’s dream to challenge convention. Only time will tell.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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