WASP$: Clark’s Classiest Residents Evicted

Clark University prides itself on the diversity and acceptance of its campus, yet there is still one group that is consistently persecuted: wasps. Recently, Residential Life and Housing perpetuated its century-long fight against hornets by evicting an entire hive of wasps from the Wright Hall dormitory room of Kathy Falsechip (’19).

“You know, I kind of miss living with the wasps,” Falsechip told The Freudian Slip. “Sure they were extremely aggressive, active all night, and always in the room when I had my friends over, but they were really dedicated to their work and kept the room tidy, unlike my actual roommate.” Falsechip’s roommate declined to comment.

Falsechip is not the only student to miss the wasps. Many other students have also voiced their disappointment and disgust towards RLH. Wright Hall alum Clifton Maywood Worcestershire Esquire III (’17) is one such person.

“I for one am greatly bothered by the institution’s decision to remove the wasps,” Worcestershire Esq. III told the Freudian Slip. “They certainly brought some class to this dreary, pedestrian place, I tell you that much. It was certainly a step up from that one homeless man that took residence on one of the couches during the water shortage.”

However, RLH Director Adam Keyes stands firmly by his decision to remove the wasps. “Clark does not discriminate against its residents, provided that they actually pay to live there,” Keyes told The Freudian Slip, “Surely ‘Daddy’ has enough money in his bank account to pay tens of thousands of dollars per semester. Or, they can actually get their hands dirty and produce hundreds of thousands of gallons of honey to sell in Red Square. A little hard work would do them good.”

Although the wasps are no longer living on campus, some can still be seen flitting around the Green in their yellow jackets, allegedly saying hello to their friends they left behind or playing pickups game of polo.

Falsechip has opened up a Kickstarter page to fund the return of her roommates, so far receiving over $2,450,000 from over 35,000 patrons across the globe. “If everyone pitches in,” Falsechip told The Freudian Slip, “then perhaps we could see the return of some of the finest, classiest residents Clark has ever seen, and maybe put an end to discrimination on campus once and for all.”

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