Addictive Substance Found in Soft Serve Machine

Last Tuesday, the soft serve machine in the Clark University ran out of ice cream for the 7th day in a row. Following the shortage, Clark University was forced to conduct an investigation as to why exactly students cannot stop themselves from eating the subpar frozen dessert.

The shortage was believed to be caused by a select group of self-described ‘alt kids’ who frequent the machine. The students were witnessed putting their heads under the machine in order to get the ice cream directly into their mouths. In an interview with The Freudian Slip, witness Jason Baker (‘19) described the students, “They were absolutely terrifying. They were shaking and sweaty and they had a crazed look in their eyes. There was ice cream everywhere, on the machine, on the floor, even on the walls! How did it get on the ceiling?! I keep having nightmares.”

When one of the ‘ice creamers’ was approached by The Freudian Slip yesterday, all he could could say was “That ice cream is dope, yo. I just want to eat it for every meal, and most days I do. I’m really falling behind in my classes because I can’t make it through a lecture without leaving for a quick bowl.” The student failed to answer any further questions and promptly returned to his spot on the ledge outside JSC.

An investigation conducted by Clark Health Services revealed that the soft serve was laced with highly addictive crack cocaine. However, due to its popularity with the students, the cafeteria has decided to replace Wacky Flavor Wednesday with Cone of Cocaine Tuesday. President of Clark University, David Angel, released a statement about the change, “We’re just trying to make the best out of a weird situation, so everyone make sure to get your cone on Tuesdays! Think of it as another way to challenge convention!”

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