Clark University to Convert All of Main-South into a Massive Park

Worcester: In a statement issued by President Angel this morning, Clark University will lead an effort in conjunction with the city of Worcester to convert the entire neighborhood of Main South into a massive park.

President Angel told The Freudian Slip, “Clark has been dedicated to improving Worcester, starting with the neighbourhood it’s located in. It is with this mission that we plan to have Main South be a massive park by 2025. It will include public pools, dog parks, playgrounds, rec centers, and acres upon acres of meadows and walking trails- perfect for romantic picnics with Don Honeman.”

The initiative has been met with some resistance from the residents of Main South. A community advocacy group opposing gentrification recently denounced the plans. Worcester Residents Who Really Really Really Don’t Like the Idea of Gentrification representative Elizabeth Stevens told The Freudian Slip, “Where will our families go when they tear down homes to make playgrounds? Clark builds enough parks in this neighborhood, it’s like they’re going crazy with the amount of parks they want to build.”

The University still claims that the plans are in the best interest of the neighborhood. According to a diagnostic report released by the Sociology department, parks in urban settings help to reduce crime and drug rates. Therefore, by converting the entire neighborhood into a park, crime will be reduced to zero. According to a representative of the FBI, if this works, the government will consider turning all of the U.S. into a continental sized park.

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