Freshman Still Unsure of Ramifications of Walking Across Red Square

Red Square- Uncertainty struck on October 8th, 2015, as first-year Patrick McConnell (‘19) weighed the pros and cons of crossing the Red Square, a Clark landmark and popular source of debate and discussion. McConnell still stands at the Red Square today - still contemplating, now constipated.

Since Week One, McConnell has been able to avoid the Red Square on his way to and from the UC, often by walking by Bullock Hall or Ubering around Main South until he found himself at his destination. However,, at 9AM EST on the 8th, McConnell ’s friends took the Jonas Clark Hall route to the UC, forcing McConnell to sweat contemplate the consequences of personally crossing the Red Square.

McConnell told The Freudian Slip, “I’ve heard so many things about what happens to people who walk across the Red Square: You won’t graduate, you’ll get pregnant, President Angel will personally bitch-slap you... On top of all of that, I had to watch all of my friends cross it first and all I want to do was go with them! “

McConnell has since hired a team of advisors from Washington D.C. to help him with his decision. Among these advisors are highly acclaimed politicians such as Dick Cheney, who is reportedly advising him that there may be WMD’s in the Red Square.

The uncertainty of the troubled first-year has escalated significantly over the past several days . The Red Square has been constantly covered by news trucks, spotlights, and bystanders—all looking to see what happens when McConnell makes his decision. Approximately 127 hours after the initial incident, McConnell still stands at the Red Square, considering whether or not to cross it. There is no turning back.