GOP Debate to be Settled With Friendly Game of Golf

Colorado: Following the most recent GOP debate on October 28, a clear winner is still unknown. The debate, a cage match between the top contenders of the Republican Party, was still in gridlock hours until it ended. However, in an 11th hour deal, the ten candidates agreed on a way to settle this impasse.

“The only real way to settle this debate is to do so with a friendly game of golf,” said Ted Cruz, speaking on behalf of his fellow candidates. “It will be a relaxing, nine-hole game of golf at the Flatirons Golf Course. Whoever wins gets to say they won the debate. It will be a whole lot easier than analyzing our responses and policies to determine who the best candidate for president is. Plus it’s a whole lot more accurate.”

Golf and Political experts alike have teamed up to analyze the ramifications of these politicians competing against each other in a game of golf. Jim Nantz, a golf commentator for CBS, analyzed the sponsorships that these candidates will be getting. According to his comprehensive report,, Marco Rubio was gifted a set of golf clubs by the Koch brothers. Rubio commented to The Freudian Slip,

“I’m kind of hurt because they got golf clubs for like… everybody. Like, the clubs are good and all, but I just feel like the gifts aren’t special if they got everyone else at least a tee or a golf ball.”

Other golf commentators have expressed concern over the actual quality of the gameplay. Nick Faldo was caught harshly saying that Jeb Bush will be “shooting into the bunker all night,” Faldo also added, “It doesn’t even matter who is elected. This entire golf course is gonna be dead and withering away by the time any of them win.”

Despite Faldo’s disdain, all of the GOP candidates are attributing high stakes to this game of golf. Donald Trump was found at a driving range on Sunday, practicing and self-reportedly ‘poning.’ He told The Freudian Slip, . “Usually when I play golf I don’t slice at all, but just for you guys I’ll slice far to the right. Who cares if it lands me underwater? Peo

ple will know that I’m a risk taker—and people like that. ” The candidate proceeded to hit several golf balls and hurtful words into a poor neighborhood.

Jeb Bush is also in support of the game. He told The Freudian Slip, “My father was good at golf, and my brother was good at Gulf-related ventures, , so I’m sure that I can play just as well.”

One candidate, however, remains opposed to the game. Ben Carson recently said that he will whole-heartedly sit on the sideline while his opponents duke it out.

“I’m just bad at golf,” the doctor said, “I don’t want to make it look like I have no experience doing something that is completely foreign to me. That wouldn’t be good.”

Regardless of the varying opinions on the game, one thing is clear: No matter who wins this game of golf, it will still be a bogey for the American people.

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