Guns Don’t Kill People, People Kill People [Says AK-47 On Witness Stand]

After the nation’s ‘Deaths by Gun’ hit the 300 mark this week, Congress decided to take action against this epidemic. Quick engineering and little forethought went into creating the nation’s first autonomous and automatic rifle, one that could defend itself on the witness stand in the monumental Supreme Court v. Smith & Wesson. After careful negotiation with the prosecution, this AK put it’s clip on the bible and swore to “...tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help [it] Gatling.”

Representing the entirety of guns, slingshots, and Nerf weaponry everywhere, AK seemed ready to defend the right to be arms, and not be guilty of what others do with them. The rifle had no problem telling how he felt in front of the Supreme Court, saying, “Seriously? You put everything as ‘Death by Gun’ or ‘Death by Car’ when we never did any of these things. Your dumbasses with no self-restraint did it. We can’t pull our own trigger. Stop trying to blame inanimate objects for the fact that you just let your people do whatever they want and vigilante-justice their way all over the place.”

There was a brief recess for the prosecution to get some ice for the fucking burns they just received.

When the case resumed and the AK was held in contempt of court for profane language, the prosecution only had one question for the defense, “Being autonomous, and obviously angry, don’t you want to pull that trigger right now?” To which the rifle replied, “I don’t have any fucking arms, you Kumquat.”

The rifle was held in contempt of court again for offending the autonomous fruit who was in the courtroom.

As the first day of the trial came to a close, the only verdict that can be drawn is that creating an autonomous AK-47 defense attorney was not worth cutting half of NASA’s budget.

#Global