Horoscopes 11/3 - 11/10

Aries: As the unofficial daredevil of the zodiac, you consider yourself quite the badass, Aries. I mean sure, you’ve jumped over your fair share of gaping revines, but you know what would truly showcase your badassery? Go to the fifth floor of Goddard and just start fucking screaming. We’ve all experienced the raw terror that takes hold of our bodies when we accidentally sneeze on the highest floor of the library, so just imagine how much intense, soul-crushing fear you’d be facing by giving voice to your heart’s turmoils in the center of the fifth floor.

Taurus: Word’s been getting around that you’re inflexible, Taurus, and not only is that incorrect, but it’s just plain hurtful. Would an inflexible person go to every available Clark yoga session? Would an inflexible person refuse to let anyone place their mats near them and begin hissing if anyone “got in their space”? Would an inflexible person do the one-handed tree pose for the entirety of the 60 minute session? Would an inflexible person refuse to yield the floor even when yoga was over and it was time for zumba or karate? Would an inflexible person stoically remain in their one-handed tree pose hours after yoga had finished while random students dance and karate kick around them? Is that what an inflexible person would do? Is it? I have no idea what inflexible means; please help me, I’ve been stuck in this one-handed tree pose for weeks.

Gemini: I know you’ve been feeling a little lonely lately, Gemini, what with the weather getting colder and not having anyone to cozy up with. But fear not! You’ve had a secret companion all along. Since you’re so goddamned two-faced you can always just snuggle up with your backstabbing-self! Because once all your friends have deserted you, that’s all you’ll have anyways.

Cancer: You’re even lonelier than Gemini this week, Cancer. And though that’s a pretty heavy hand to be dealt, at least you still have your loo- oh wait; you’re Cancer?! Yikes… Nevermind. That’s real rough, buddy.

Leo: People have called you dogmatic, Leo and they’re not entirely wrong. On the one hand, you are a little too opinionated at times and definitely have your stubborn moments. And on the other hand, you are also the Dogmatic 3000, the world’s first completely dog-controlled, anthropomorphic robot, which would explain how often you try to lick people and your roommate’s complaints about bedwetting.

Virgo: Though you’ve often been told ‘you have a great personality’ by well-meaning yet vaguely frowning friends and family, you know your true flaw is your shyness. To combat that crippling fear of interaction you’ve been cursed with since birth, I would suggest writing up a professionally-worded pamphlet that incorporates fun facts about yourself like how your favorite show is Ink Master: Redemption and that for fun you like to stare longingly into The Void, contemplate death and time itself, and slip slowly into madness. Then just air-drop those perky little buggers around campus and see what happens. Who knows, before long you might be losing both yourself and that cutie from your Lit class in the chasms of The Void.

Libra: Hey Libra, remember that one time someone texted you and called you “urbane?” Well, it turns out they weren’t informing you through broken text-speak of your destiny to bulk up, buy a weird face-mask, and become Batman’s suave-voiced nemesis. Rather, they were very pretentiously calling you cultured. So, put down that detonator and quit writing ‘Gotham’s Reckoning’ on all your nametags, because you have some confusing soul-searching to do now, Libra.

Scorpio: You have a reputation for being magnetic, Scorpio, which people assume is because of your charming allure. They’re not entirely wrong, but I feel like the giant magnet where your heart should be is at least partly responsible for your appeal. Also all the credit cards and electronics you’re constantly ruining.

Sagittarius: My only advice to you this week, Sagittarius, is to just maybe try to not be human garbage? Like put in even an ounce of an effort and I’d be happy. Well, as happy as one can be while still being forced to interact with someone who not only smells like feces, but also literally looks like it, too.

Capricorn: Oh my sweet, glistening, effervescent Capricorn. People have called you practical, and they’re right. You are practical-y perfect in every way! Keep being you, starbeam.

Aquarius: You’ve always been told you’re original, Aquarius, which you’ve tended to take as a compliment. But, I feel I should be honest with you and tell you they’ve all really meant that in less of a “you’re your own person” kind of way, and more in a “Lifetime Original Movie and Therefore Melodramatic Mess” kind of way. So yeah. If that’s the case, then I would say look out for either being murdered by your new husband or having a teenager who gets into drugs.

Pisces: You’ve often been told you’re unworldly, Pisces. I know these people meant to question your level of civility, but they’re still basically correct. Not, of course, in regards to your level of culture. (You do have extremely high brow taste). Rather, in regards to the fact that you’re literally not of a world, and instead sprung fully-formed from your father’s head on a cloud in the sky, just like the Goddess Athena. People won’t be too keen on insulting your sophistication now that they know you, too, possess an ethereal spear and the stormy grey temper of a deity.

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