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ISA Peacekeeping Troops Move In at Clark Soccer World Cup

  • Robbie Franklin
  • Nov 3, 2015
  • 1 min read

To alleviate international tensions heightened by the Clark Soccer World Cup, ISA Peacekeeping Troops were forced to occupy the turf of the Dolan Field House after violence broke out on Saturday, October 24th. According to ISA officials, the Quarterfinals game between the top-ranked Central America and the bottom-ranked South America got heated after South America quickly took a 2-0 lead over the tournament favorites. Although the game jokingly dubbed as “The Battle for Latin America” was only slightly scrappy on the field, the sidelines certainly fit the part. Friends of the players, no matter their previous loyalties to Central and South America, showed their passion for the regions by engaging in an all-out brawl for the last 18 minutes of the match.

The International Students Association, fearful that conflict would spread throughout the tournament, took control of the situation with the 1,300 troops it had on standby, arresting 27 fans and cancelling the rest of the tournament.

No major injuries resulted from the fighting or the ISA occupation, but 83% of the athletes who participated in the World Cup reported sore muscles, joint stiffness, or bruising when they woke up Sunday, which appears to be an entirely different issue that has yet to be investigated.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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