Clark Students Solve Israel-Palestine Conflict With Reasonable Discussion

Clarkies from the local chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) and Clarkies Helping and Advocating for Israel (CHAI) have reached a conclusive a groundbreaking agreement regarding the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that satisfies the demands of both sides. This comprehensive plan is the result of about an hour of reasonable negotiation about the issues, and UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has already declared it the golden standard of international diplomacy.

“It was all so obvious once we all sat down and had a civil discussion about it,” said Ahmad al-Adwan, a member of SJP. “It all just came together once we talked the issues through; I guess we just had not discussed it thoroughly enough in the past.”

Following the inception of their comprehensive solution, members of both CHAI and SJP were able to compose a five hundred-word policy paper that outlined the flawless diplomatic solution they had produced. Hopeful for the world, these twenty students sent their ideas in a letter to the American and Israeli governments, as well as the Palestinian National Authority. That was when things really began to change for these brave college students.

“I knew we had something special from the beginning,” commented senior CHAI member Benjamin Weiss. “But I never expected the world governments to respond the way they did.” Indeed, the results from the operation, which the UN has named, “United Nations Mission to End the Ongoing Conflict in the Middle East Especially Between Israel and Palestine and Also to Maybe Set an Example For Ukraine Who Knows”, or “UNMEOCMEEBIPAMSEFUWK”, arrived quicker than expected. Within a day the Israelis and Palestinians had reached an agreement, and all Israelis and Palestinians forgot their differences and seven decade-long tension.

“Peace has been achieved not only in Israel and Palestine, but also in the Middle East as a whole,” said President Obama this morning in an address to the UN. “And we have these twenty college students to thank. With their sharp minds and ability to have detailed, unique discussions, they brought about real world solutions to problems that have been ongoing for generations. It seems that the stereotype is true in this case: a few political science majors from an American liberal arts university, who have never been to the Middle East and cannot speak Hebrew or Arabic, can solve even the most complex, heated disagreements and fix all the world’s problems with a good faith discussion.”

The Clark students are expected to win this year’s Nobel Peace Prize. “We intend to put the Nobel money towards a center for discussion at Clark,” said the students in a joint statement. “If more liberal arts students would voice their political opinions and talk with each other about world politics, we would be living in Utopia.”

At press time, the Syrian, Yemeni, and Iraqi civil wars had ended, and all Middle Eastern regimes replaced with fully democratic governments. Additionally, ISIS had changed its name to NICE-IS and dedicated itself to planting flowers and taming unicorns.

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