Horoscopes 11/11 - 11/17

Aries: People often call you naive, Aries, but you just don’t understand why. It’s almost as if you have too little life-experience to grasp the full subtleties of what these older and wiser people are trying to tell you. But that doesn’t coincide with your self-centered and unexceptional worldview, so it can’t be true. Just keep that young head in the sand, Aries, and nothing bad will ever happen!

Taurus: You are often categorized as being stable, Taurus, though you hate when people say that. But I want you to know it’s not because they are on to your secret of truly being a bull, cleverly disguised as an angry college student and are not subtly implying that you should be locked away in the farm animal’s equivalent of prison. Folks just find you reliable is all, so maybe don’t maim anyone with your horns you usually hide under a snazzy wig and hat combo, and instead focus on not drawing attention to the fact that you’re literally a bull.

Gemini: One of your biggest skills has always been your mental prowess, Gemini, but maybe it’s time that took a back seat to some physical activities. I’m not saying it’s unhealthy to live a completely full and varied second life inside your head while you stare listlessly and with vacant eyes at your roommate while they contemplate dialing 911. But I’m also not saying it’s exactly healthy to drool onto your weeks old tank top as your bistro chicken tenders grow moldier and moldier. Just a suggestion.

Cancer: Though known as the most sensitive of the zodiac, you are also by far the most gentle. And although that may seem like a good combination of characteristics for a wallaby or a baby quokka, all it really means is that you’re the equivalent of a suckling long-eared jerboa and need to learn to handle your own goddamned feelings.

Leo: This week you should try and have a more open attitude, Leo. Open your mind to new ideas, open your heart to new relationships, and open that chest in your attic your grandfather begged you to throw into the ocean with his dying breath, lest you be faced with the grave repercussions of his heinous crimes. Also maybe try opening your window to let the fresh breeze in.

Virgo: You have a habit of coming off as reserved in conversations, what with your bookish demeanor and inability to be checked out of a library. A way to work on this tragic character flaw would be to implement some sort of rental card system, where people who want your attention can write their name on a card on your back and they have your full attention until they bring you back to whatever hellhole they found you in. It’s the perfect solution!

Libra: One of your greatest characteristics, Libra, is how just you are. Now I don’t mean that you’re driven by truth or fairness, but that you’re just… So average and indescribable people trail off, unable to recall an actual trait you possess, Libra. You’re just… Idk man you’re just just.

Scorpio: With your probing nature, Scorpio, people often suggest you go into some research field. And it’s not a completely off-base idea considering your summer job consists of actual alien probing out in the corn fields of Kansas. So if you include the cryptic extra-terrestrial experiments, you are fulfilling some research capacity.

Sagittarius: You have a tendency to be irresponsible, Sagittarius, and while with anyone else I would ask that they try some restraint, seeing as you’re basically a drooling toddler with the brain of a howler monkey, I’m sure this will fall on unhearing ears. So basically be as reckless and irresponsible as you want, buddy, because no one gives a flimflamming fuck what you do. Good luck eating some poisonous fruit while you’re off being a free spirit.

Capricorn: Precious, beloved Capricorn, you are wise beyond your years. And that’s really saying a lot considering how many years you have collected in your storage locker from your countless victims. So good on you!

Aquarius: Life is fleeting, Aquarius, and that’s always annoyed the shit out of you. In order to combat the ephemerality of existence, you should focus on becoming a constant. Not like an emotional constant in someone’s life, but an eternal pillar, immovable to the passage of time. So if basically just try and build yourself into the nearest marble construction site and you should be set.

Pisces: Though you have a tough exterior, we both know you’re secretly a truly tender person, Pisces. To be fair though, that’s only because you have been continually tenderized like a slab of meat by the unforgiving hammer of life. But it’s still true that you’ve got that sad, delicate center in your soul, no matter how you got it, so umm… sorry about that buddy.

#Horoscope