Wellness Floor is Secretly a Frat House: Kappa Kappa Sobriety

Last Friday night, University Police broke up a reportedly ‘lit’ party on the Wellness Floor of the Johnson-Sanford Center. This incident came as quite a shock to the entire Clark community and quite a disappointment to Erin McClintock, the Assistant Director of Wellness and Prevention Education at Clark.

Officer Matthew Henry told The Freudian Slip in an exclusive interview, “There were PBR cans strewn everywhere. We found vomit in multiple bathrooms and witnessed rambunctious yelling throughout the hall. It was clear to us that this party was not an isolated incident”.

Upon further investigation and a series of incredibly thorough room-checks, the RAs of JSC were dismayed to find a large collection of prohibited items and illegal substances found on the Wellness Floor. Among the items allegedly confiscated were oil lamps, extension cords without surge protectors, large quantities of Fireball Whiskey, shot glasses that weren’t empty as per RHL regulations, and even an entire flowering plant of cannabis with accompanying heat lamps. The incident effectively challenged the conventional stereotype of the nerdy, solitary, and sober residents of the Wellness Floor. Amazing.

The Freudian Slip went undercover on Saturday night and posed as your-average-party-goer to get a closer look. Sources reported at least three ‘ragers’ on the floor as well as another sober game night hosted by ‘those weird kids at the end of the hall.’ Ironically, it was at the game night where The Freudian Slip experienced the most severe hazing that Clark has ever seen.

The Freudian Slip was forced to play three rounds of competitive Monopoly with their own money, expose their vulnerability in a game of Two Truths and a Lie, and puff-puff-and pass a Blue Raspberry E-Cig. Post-hazing, The Freudian Slip undercover staff were promptly and inadvertently inducted into Kappa Kappa Sobriety- the only variation of Greek Life to be found on Clark University’s campus, aside from the Ultimate Frisbee team.

Although taxing and terrifying, The Freudian Slip’s work on Saturday night efficiently showed the rest of the university that contrary to popular belief, the Wellness Floor kids know how to get down and dirty. Literally. There was vomit Saturday night, too.

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