Clark Student Arrested for Worcester Armory Break-In: “Thought it was a new collective”

Following an extensive investigation, Worcester Police arrested Clark University student Jonah Gramson (‘16), who admitted to breaking into the United States Army Reserve armory. Over a dozen weapons were discovered in Gramson’s off-campus apartment, all taken from a secure vault. In his confession, Gramson explained that he “thought it was a new collective place where it was all about sharing”.

Lieutenant Mark Keranov told The Freudian Slip about the arrest, “We carried out the arrest at 2am this morning, finding the defendant playing some video game- I think it was Mario Brothers. We then proceeded to ask him about the weapons, at which point he got excited and led us to his recording studio- which he built by himself- where he kept them.” Gramson started to show the officers all the different kinds of weapons he got, telling them they can borrow any weapons they wanted as well as his four thousand dollar recording equipment. “That’s when we realized something must be off about this guy. We thought he was either insane, or an average Clark student. It was the latter.”

Gramson explained in his investigation that he has been “attending some super cool and original collectives like Crompton and The Shop, where you can go chill with other people and live together as a unit, without these man-made concepts of ‘mine’ and ‘yours’”. He claimed that he “thought The Armory was a super original name for a new and edgy collective that was making a statement about like, war and stuff… So I thought it would be totally rad to take part in their communal effort and take some weapons for myself, to like, spread the word, you know?”

The FBI has decided not to press charges against Gramson, explaining in a press release that “no one wants to hear him say another word on this, it is just too embarrassing for everyone”.

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