CONFIRMED: Secret to Immortality Hidden in Patrick Stewart's Basement

It seems the 75 year-old actor hasn't aged a day since playing Captain Jean-Luc Picard on Star Trek: The Next Generation. This has caused much confusion and speculation for the past few decades. Many ask, “What is his secret?” The Freudian Slip has the exclusive scoop. A source close to Stewart recently confirmed that the actor has the secret to immortality locked inside his basement.

“The only person who knows the secret is good friend and confidant, Sir Ian McKellen,” the inside source told The Freudian Slip. “But Patrick won't actually let him use it even though they're best friends. According to him, there can be only one.”

Those who have dedicated their lives to finding out the secret to immortality are now euphoric. Moreover, they are speculating further about what may lurk at the subterranean level of Patrick Stewart's home. One theory is that he drinks the tears of orphans to gain strength and keep his skin silky smooth. Others accuse Stewart of being a vampire, stating that he is “extremely pale and practically translucent.” Still, according to Michael Farnsworth - a preeminent Patrick Stewart scholar and conspirist- the most plausible theory is that Stewart keeps Keanu Reeves in chains and feeds off his life force.

“That last one makes the most sense to me,” Farnsworth told The Freudian Slip. “I mean, it's been awhile since Keanu was in anything, so it's likely he's actually tied up somewhere.”

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