A Few Highlights from the Forum on Affordability

Although a lot of you might have missed the Forum on Affordability -- which took place in Tilton Hall at 5PM, January 27th -- The Freudian Slip’s Special Issues Team was sure to be on scene to make sure that everyone could get the proper scoop of this fiscal ice cream.

Standard admission to the forum was $70 per student

Most students found the entry fee agreeable, and happily paid the the ticket charge. Another option was a $100 Deluxe Ticket, which gave buyers front row seats and backstage access to meet President Angel. These tickets helped to pay for the fireworks, caviar, and private jet that transported President Angel from his home to Tilton Hall.

President Angel Burned a Pile of Cash

In a grim spectacle of heat and flame the president doused a pile of cash -- containing an estimated £2,000,000 GBP-- in gasoline and set it ablaze.

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message,” said President Angel. The only real criticism expressed at this demonstration was from Clark Ecological Representatives (EcoReps), who denounced the presentation as wasteful of natural resources. “He should have ignited it using solar power and a magnifying glass,” said the group in an official statement.

Making Sacrifices to Get Through College

President Angel’s demonstration was quickly overshadowed by a new perspective from Marcus Gormely (‘18) who suggested human sacrifice as a means to lower tuition costs.

“If we please Fafsa, the god of Financial Aid, maybe he’ll bless us with lower tuition,” Stacey Fitzpatrick (‘17) agreed. Although this suggestion was met by scattered applause, support for human sacrifice faltered when it was revealed that it would be “immoral” to sacrifice students from Holy Cross.