Clark Loses 3.7 Million Dollars in ASEC, Can’t Find It

President David Angel announced last week that Clark University’s budget for the 2016/17 academic year is short by approximately 3.7 million dollars. The money was last seen in the new Alumni and Student Engagement Center, but its whereabouts are currently unknown.

According to an email leaked to The Freudian Slip, the entirety of Clark’s 105 million dollar endowment is stored in a safe on the top floor of the Geography Building, with withdrawals only made for major purchases. On August 12th, President Angel crossed Main Street with 15.7 million dollars to pay for the new building. It was only in late September when Angel remembered that after negotiating the price down to a bargain 12 million dollars, he still returned to his office empty-handed. Leaving the remaining 3.7 million somewhere inside.

Executive Vice President Julie Dolan immediately scrambled together a search team to locate the missing funds, but her efforts have yielded no results so far. After checking the most obvious places, such as the Alumni Conference Room and Starbucks corporate, her team moved on to overturning every couch cushion and emptying every desk drawer in the entire new building.

Dolan remains optimistic. “I am fully confident that the missing funds will turn up within the next month,” she told The Freudian Slip, “It is also worth noting that my team has yet to fully scour the entire building. At least one bathroom and the space underneath the floorboards in the lactation room are still being searched."

President Angel has yet to issue an apology, instead reminding the Clark community that he, too, is contributing to the search effort and is confident that the money will eventually be found. A brief inspection of his suit pockets yielded negative results, and he doubled-checked his accountant’s work himself to confirm that 3.7 million dollars is, in fact, still missing.

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