Student Upset by Clark Club Corruption

In a recent interview with William Willard, ’19, it was revealed that some students are frustrated with how exclusive connection-making at Clark is. “It should be called Corrupt University,” he joked. Our interviewer failed to laugh.

“But seriously, it sucks. Like look over there!” At this point, he angrily pointed at a student sneaking up behind the head of the Student Activities Board and clipping his lanyard into their belt loop, “I can’t do that!” He pulled out his own lanyard, dismay in his eyes. “It had one of those stupid loops that take all of your nail polish off when you try to put a key on it. It looked really unprofessional next to the other student’s mini carabiner.”

His distress was obvious.

“And, the other day, I saw a student sew his snappy blazer onto David Angel’s suit! I mean, it’s unreal. I don’t have that kind of dexterity! I can barely knit and can’t even begin to purl.” The interview was interrupted to watch a soccer player braid her hair into Trish Cronin’s blonde locks. “Oh god, now she’s going to get extra free Gatorade from the trainer and her uniform will be slightly redder! This is outrageous!”

The interview was cut short, as it became very clear that Willard does not have enough connections to speak with the Freudian Slip.

#Local