Two Totally Straight Bros Claim "No Homo", Obviously Not Gay

In a tense forum in Tilton Hall, platonic friends Tommy Brostein (‘19) and Brody Roberts (‘20) revealed to students and faculty in attendance that they were “100% Straight.”

“We said no homo before the bro jobs,” in the words of Brostein.

“Bro Jobs”, as Roberts described them in an interview with the Freudian Slip’s investigative team, are mysterious fraternal bonding exercises which young, not gay men can participate in.

“It’s totally just a prank, dude. They are funny pranks to play on your bros-- no homo though. Just to be clear, I am SUPER straight. Like I have a girlfriend and I touch her boobs ALL the time,” said Brostein, when approached about what bro jobs are.

The implications of this revelation remain unclear. Although it is still fresh news, experts have already weighed in on the pair’s bizarre announcement. In response to a tweet by Mr. Roberts defending his heterosexuality and “...huuuuuuuuuge dong” expert Brandon McBroseph of Columbia University reached out to The Freudian Slip to voice his opinion.

“Based on the fact that Mr. Roberts took to the internet to defend his sexuality, whatever he says must be true. I can say with certainty that Brody Roberts must be, like, 100% straight, or else he wouldn’t have clarified that he was.”

Although the pair’s press conference was not a response to any accusations of them actually being secretly gay and just really insecure about their sexualities, there have been murmurings from academics that the two’s constant “no homos” may be symbolic of a deeper homo. Whatever the case may be, at the end of the day one thing remains true: they’re just two guys being dudes.

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