Blackstone Resident Waits for Shower to Heat Up, Dies of Old Age

Complaints of cold water in the Blackstone Residence Hall have increased dramatically over the past few weeks. While Physical Plant scrambles to fix the problem, residents have grown agitated. In an interview with The Freudian Slip, resident Nachary Zoel (’18) aptly described the feelings of those living in the building with a brief statement: “Honestly, fuck this shit.”

The cold water has caused more than discomfort. Third-floor resident Chris Topher (’18) reportedly died of old age last weekend while waiting for the shower to heat up. His roommates found him Sunday morning with his hand still reaching out into the shower to test the temperature of the water. The roommates told The Freudian Slip they last saw Chris on Tuesday when he came back from Fall Break, and that he went to go take a shower later that night. When asked why they hadn’t checked on him in that time, the consensus among the roommates was that he was “prolly naked” and that they “respect a man’s privacy.”

The Freudian Slip’s team of pathologists has failed to explain how Chris Topher managed to die of old age in less than five days, but remain optimistic that further analysis of the autopsy will provide some answers. In the meantime, Blackstone Hall residents are being encouraged to join the drought effort and refrain from showering.

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